"Well, this is not a boat accident! And it wasn't any propeller; and it wasn't any coral reef; and it wasn't Jack the Ripper! It was an octopus."
These were the remarks made by oceanographer Matt Hooper at a press conference held on Brighton beach shortly after the death of an East Sussex resident last night. It was first thought that the cause had been a severe boating accident, or possibly an unidentified serial killer from the 1880's, but further post mortem examinations of the body indicated that the injuries sustained were more likely to have been caused by a giant hungry octopus.
Police have not disclosed any solid leads on the giant octopus' whereabouts or identity, but have released this artist's interpretation of what it may look like based on eye witness reports.
Despite the alleged threat, Brighton's Head of Tourism, Larry Vaughn, assured that visitors should not be deterred by these recent events. "As you can see, it's a beautiful day, the beaches are opened, and people are having a wonderful time. Brighton, as you know, means friendship" he said.
Police are appealing for anyone with any information about this giant man-eating octopus to come forward.
I should probably clarify that I picked up this tee by company Sure from a stall along Brighton's Kensington Gardens and it features a beautiful comic-book style illustration on both the front and back, of two fully-clothed men being consumed by a giant octopus that was definitely based on true events.
